Here we are, the last blog entry for April. I'm sick and Mike seems to be coming down with whatever it is that I have, too. I'm tired on all levels and I'm ready to move on. So, I'll give a brief run down of the weeks events then get straight to the part that really matters...letters to our girls and a letter to autism.

Nixi's birthday was rough. Lot's of meltdowns, mostly Safi...but Nixi was unbelievably overstimulated so she was a loose cannon as well. We still managed to give Nixi a 3rd birthday that she was elated with. Before she went to bed I asked her if her birthday was great and she said it was. While we wish it had been perfect, the great thing about Nixi is that she doesn't seem to really remember what she does in a day. So, as long as the last 10 minutes of her day are good, she claims the day as a success. We want to thank everyone for sending cards, gifts, money, books, and well wishes. It always makes the girls feel so special to see how many people are thinking of them. Mike and I appreciate it more than we can say, makes us feel much less alone.

Safi had a great week at school. She's been struggling emotionally ever since the last weekend so we're hoping she can find her "center" soon. We had one day where all was right with the world and everything in it...the day the mailman brought the massive lot of My Little Ponies that we bought off of Ebay. Both girls were elated and it was so fun to just see them enjoying themselves...even if it doesn't last forever.

Nixi started big girl school on Friday. She is going to the special services preschool that Safi went to for a summer leading up to when she started school at Lincoln with Teacher Jenn. It went ok. Heather, our BIA, went with her and she did well...much like she did when she first started the early intervention group she used to go to. The energy in the classroom was terrific, much calmer than the early intervention fiasco. While it ended in a tremendous meltdown from both girls, as Safi struggled with "letting go" of what used to be her school and Nixi struggled with being overwhelmed and overstimulated...all in all it was a much better experience for all of us than early intervention had been. We're feeling like its a really good fit for Nix and that's exciting.

That's the cliff notes of our week. So, now the letters to the girls. I'm thinking we'll do this every end of April. Its a nice way to share how we feel with the girls as well as a nice way to reflect on another year in the trenches of life. I hope they read this and know how very much they are loved...no matter how hard it is or how hard it gets. You are loved.

Safi Seifert, we love you so. Its been a tremendous year of growth for you. You are doing amazing at school. Your verbal expression has exploded! You have found your voice, my dear, and boy is it a roar! You have begun to recognise the subtleties of sarcasm and you use it often, much to our amazement and pleasure (for the most part!). Your world has continued to expand to include new friends from kindergarten (Candygarten, as you call it), new environments like Chuck E. Cheese and the zoo, and a new found thirst for independence and growing up. You recognize that you are a big kid in relation to Nixi and you want to do the things that the other big kids in our neighborhood do. Unfortunately, many of those kids are much older than you and have different rules than you and that makes you very upset with us. We love you, we want you to be happy and independent but we also need to keep you safe. In the following year we promise to work on finding better ways to give you more space and freedom without compromising safety. You deserve those things and we recognize that. You are becoming more and more engaged with the world outside of our front yard and, while scary for us, we couldn't be prouder of you. You are outgoing, funny, sarcastic, silly, intense, thoughtful, sensitive, and stubborn. Our wish for you this following year is a wish for joy and ease. We understand that you work for everything, hard. We see that most things do not come to you with ease and that you are acutely aware of this. You want so badly to just bound into a room and start friendships. You yearn so desperately for the confidence and ease to jump on a scooter and ride it, slide down a tall slide without a care, trip without looking to see if anyone was watching. You work at these things every day and every day you inch closer to the life you want so desperately to be yours. We promise that we will be there with you, 100% of the way..following a few steps behind, as is your wish. Never so far behind that we can't rush in and catch you at a moments notice. This coming year will be scary, exciting, fun, and overwhelming...and its going to be terrific!

Nixi, Nixi, Nixi. How we love and adore you. This year has been a rough one. Lots of steps ahead and lots of steps backward, by no fault of your own. You are a trooper. You are a survivor. You live every moment as though it could be your last, sadly often believing that it may very well be. You were tremendously brave this year and went to all of your Early Intervention classes. You were in the same space as a number of kids and you stuck it out. While it may not have outwardly appeared that you felt connected with some new friends, you told me a number of times that you enjoyed playing with a select few. You powered through changes in teachers and changes in kids as old friends graduated and new kids appeared. You have learned some new calming skills and you allow us to prompt you to use them even if you're upset. Despite your difficulty remembering things that have happened throughout the day you still manage to have moments of absolute clarity and joy. You love going to restaurants and you love sushi. You are a huge My Little Pony fan and you have your favorite characters independent of what your sister likes. You are more and more your own person and you have strong wants and needs that you express clearly. In the following year we would love to get your memory issues figured out with the help of the neurologist. We would like to see you having moments of rest and peace. We ask that you continue to allow us to be a part of your world, even if we don't always seem to do that well in it. We will get better at it, and you will get better at joining ours as long as as we all keep at it. We know it tiring and confusing a lot of the time for you. We promise that we will find better ways of clarifying things for you so that you can have more opportunities to feel successful and proud of yourself. We are proud of you endlessly and we want you to see yourself as the capable, strong little soul that we know you are. You are resilient, funny, adorable, goofy, intense, sweet, and electric.

And now, the letter to Autism.

Autism, oh, Autism. Last year I had some kind things to say...this year, not so much. You've really done a number on us. You've drained us to the core. You've amped up your attack on my youngest child to levels that are shameful. In your relentless pursuit of my child's mind and soul you've managed to drag my other child down with her. Luckily, she's a fighter and you've only managed to grab one ankle...FYI, she plans to kick the hell out of you with that free foot with as much vigor and enthusiasm as you display when you're crumbling her sister. You've physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted us. I think that's the plan. I am well aware that this is all a test of endurance, not speed or agility. There is no finish line, there is no winner...or at least there wont be if you have your way. While there may be no finish line, I need you to know that there absolutely will be winners in this game you play. You will NOT steal my children's childhood. You will NOT kill their joy and innocence. You will NOT be the ruiner of all things hopeful and promising. You will NOT...read that...YOU WILL NOT CLAIM MY CHILDREN. They are not yours, they are MINE and most importantly they are THEIR OWN PEOPLE! They are NOT YOU. They are NOT AUTISM. So, continue to play your games and continue to wreak havoc on our lives if you must, but remember, at the end of the day you are nothing but a part of neurology. A confusion in brain signals, or perhaps synapses. A gene mutation, maybe? You are NOT the whole and the sum of my children and they will live with you peacefully as long as you show them a little respect. If you don't, I'm not quite sure how just yet...but science, researchers, and I are going to be coming for you and it ain't gonna be pretty.

With that I say thank you for being a part of Autism Awareness month with us. Autism Awareness never ends in our house so I implore you to keep it alive in yours the whole year through. Talk to people about it. Read about it. Don't stare at people who are different or struggling. Support your friends and family that are living with autism. Be a part of the conversation, don't just listen.

Sarah