Chicken on a hot plate. Put a quarter in a box and music plays while a chicken in a small coop dances its heart out...or, rather, tries to escape third degree burns from the hidden hot plate that your quarter turned on. I saw one once when I was in high school at Barstow Station on the way to Vegas. Oh, yeah, sorry mom and dad..but I went to Vegas my senior year. But that's beside the point, back to the chicken. I have to admit, I put a quarter in and watched that bird boogie. It wasn't until after that I was told why the bird was dancing and resolved myself to steal the foul and liberate it on my way home. I never did...

We had to go to the courthouse to get Nixi's birth certificate. Her IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting for school next year is this coming Tuesday and we can't do it without it. Heather (our BIA: Behavior Intervention Analyst), the girls, and I ventured out in the rain on a mission. We got to the courthouse..a new and novel environment. As we walked up the big walkway to the building Nixi was watching her feet as she walked as usual and Safi was distracted by the falling raindrops. We were ushered through a security screening by a less than cheery civil servant. Heather and I were asked to pick up our pant legs so that she could inspect our shoes. The girls got through with no problem...until we hit the hallway. Safi, in that telling shrieky voices, repeated over and over again "My pants, my pants!" Game on. She needed to motor imitate what the guard had done to myself and Heather because she was anxious...and it was no help that it took us more than 30 seconds to realize what she was talking about. I told her to pull her pants up, which she did very seriously and then I told she could go on...as we had been told. Crisis averted! We got to the counter and were told that they only accepted cash or check, of which I had neither. We were told to go downstairs to the cafeteria for an ATM machine. Cool beans, no problem. We look for the elevators, noting that both girls are on edge and confused as to why we are in this huge, loud, fast, bright, scary place. Elevators located...we are ok to disco. We push the button and wait next to a one eyed woman looking for the probation department. Ding...down arrow lights up..WHOOOSH..giant steel doors open..and we're in, along with the one eyed lady. Going down............CHICKEN ON A HOT PLATE! Within milliseconds of the elevator moving Nixi started hopping frantically from one foot to the other as if the ground beneath had just been set ablaze...then the scream. Eardrum shattering, bone shaking, blood curdling. One eyed lady is composed and smiles. I try to pick her up but she is in both fight and flight mode and this is no joke, she's fighting for her life. I manage to scoop her up and make eye contact with her...now the tears. WHOOOOSH...the blast of cold air on her face as the steel tomb released her took her breath away, but only for a second. We walk down the hallway, Safi grinning ear to ear (she loved it and later went up and down with Heather as Nixi and awaited our paperwork), Nixi trembling and weeping in my arms and muttering "all done elevator, all done elevator, all done elevator.." We find the ATM and get the girls a treat from the cafeteria. We all sit at a table to compose ourselves and fill out forms when I am struck by what just happened. In the moment when I looked down at my child as those elevator does engulfed us I consciously thought, "chicken on a hot plate" and was mesmerized for a moment, rendered totally useless. Its just such a mind boggling site to see a being in such horror...its disorienting, confusing, startling, shocking. That's MY being...my kid. Wow. How sad. Really, really sad. The elevator ride was one floor down..seconds. In a matter of seconds my daughter went through the very real (for her) fear of death...like, really...fear of death, and now she's sitting across from me eating Funions and telling me that she "loves them so much, mama." Amazing.

Amazing for me because I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have had the fear of death. Driving in the rain and hydroplaning backwards, car accident, house break in. Not so amazing for my 3 year old daughter who has experiences like this daily. Yes, daily. Such a bleak reminder of the world that my daughter is living in. A world where something as benign and mundane as an elevator ride is experiences as a very real threat to safety. Even worse, I was the one leading the lamb to the slaughter. And that's when it dawned on me. My little chick on the hot plate fought me when I swooped in for the rescue. She didn't grab me and claw up my legs into my safe embrace...she was struggling to breathe and she wasn't about to let me push her head under. That's how she experiences life...alone. We've always called Nixi our "island", because from infancy she's never trusted anyone. Why would she? We're all trying to kill her...I'm trying to kill her.

There's nothing I can do to change this perception. I am there for both of my kids 110%, always. My only hope is that over time the realization will be made that I am with them through these terrifying moments..even if they are moments that I have led them in to, and that they consistently come out of them alive. Safi gets that...like, in her soul gets it. Nixi says it, because that's what Nixi does. She says things, everything, we say. Does she "feel" it...no, not really. I hope some day she does. I would die for that child, without fear or hesitation. So, while I never was able to return and rescue that chicken in Barstow...you better believe that I'm not giving up until I am confident that I have rescued this little chick. And I will, one day, I will.

Safi's birthday worked itself out to be wonderful. It was not without its tears and fears, but she pulled through beautifully and had a great day. We went out, just her and I, first thing in the morning to get her pink pony. She picked a special pony for Nixi, because she's just that kind of sister. Chuck E. Cheese was fun. Our friends, the Shooks, met us there and it was off to the races. Safi took to the environment like a duck to water, her only hesitation being getting close to the stage with the giant animatronic characters on it. Nixi was overwhelmed the instant we arrived. She was excited, but terrified. She wanted to observe everything..and do NOTHING! The mere mention of the word "token" (the currency used for all games and rides) prompted screaming, some tears, some rage. Luckily, Safi didn't notice...she was quickly making the rounds with our BIA (Behavioral Intervention Analyst)and adopted member of the family, Heather. Mike and I took turns following Nixi as she darted from one game to the other, eventually asking for token then bolting at their sight. We got some pizza in her and she eventually played a few games and even braved a huge horse riding, race track game! The big success for Safi was getting right up to the stage and watching the characters. She wouldn't allow us of Heather to accompany her...it had to be Nixi. See, Nixi is Safi's bomb sniffing dog. Safi is very aware that Nixi is afraid of everything and always scanning the environment for potential threats. So, she send Nixi in first...and that day was no exception. She kept calling to Nixi and once she got her within arms reach she quickly places Nixi in front her as a human shield. As they inched forward, Safi nudging Nixi and Nixi engulfed by her senses so much so that she couldn't resist...I saw a lovely, quirky, heartwarming moment of two kids making dysfunction functional, together. Safi quite literally pushing Nixi into a new experience and Nixi trusting the hands giving her the shove. Mutual trust and understanding. Awesome.


Exciting and draining week.

Sarah

The Chuck E Cheese montage....