Wow, what a week! Spring break, Mike's birthday, going to the movies for the first time, and Easter. We're beat....but have reserved just enough juice to power through a (hopefully) amazing 5th birthday for Safi on Monday.

As of tonight, Sunday, she's feeling afraid and "sad" about the upcoming festivities...telling me "all done Safi's birthday" and weeping softly, curled up into a ball on my lap. She went through this for the three days leading up to the movies, and she goes through this leading up to most new things or exciting events. I ask her, "Does mommy hurt you or does mommy keep you safe?". She quietly replies, still coiled tightly in her little ball of armor, "keeps me safe." Then I tell her that I will never take her anywhere or do anything with her without keeping her safe. I have to get the dog from the backyard because he's feverishly chasing a skateboarder on the fence line. I also know that if I nudge her to stand up, I'm also nudging her to move on. I come back in with the dog and she's happily playing with her Easter toys.

You see, its as if every minute that Safi is in a ball her armor grows stronger. It is my greatest fear that one day the armor will be on for so long and become so strong that we will lose her to the fear. We are constantly put in the position as parents of having to know, or at least trying to know, what the optimal level of comfort vs. confirmation is for both of our kids. A wholly unnatural and foreign concept for most parents. Generally, kid is afraid, hurt, sad...you comfort until they are ready to get off of your lap and share a chuckle or a drink of milk. With our kids, the fear and anxiety is crippling. If they are apprehensive about something and we show too much concern they take that as confirmation that the situation warrants apprehension. For every minute past that "optimal level of comfort", their fear and anxiety increases exponentially. So, Mike and I are constantly forced to go against our parental instinct to comfort and are forced a number of times through out the day to push the proverbial birds from the nest. Its awful. It hurts, it feesl shameful, it feels down right mean. However, it is what our kids need to face their day to day fears. It is what our kids need in order to put themselves out there and take risks. Without taking risks there is no chance for happiness, joy, and success. So, we do what we need to do and are thankful often that we seem to have good enough "feel" for the girls. They still love us and have yet to answer the question "do we hurt you or keep you safe?", with "hurt."

So, Mike and I will decorate the house with Spongebob birthday paraphernalia and hope for the best. If we didn't do, not only would we be confirming her fear and anxiety, she'd be heart broken. Again, a feature of Safi's pathology...the need for ritual. Even if she isn't ready for her birthday, she knows its her birthday and a banner is hung above the entry to our kitchen when its some one's birthday. Decorations are on each door in the hallway..each main light adorned, etc. So, decorate we shall just as soon as the munchkins hit the hay. It will be ok, because it has to be. Its her 5th birthday, she only gets it once and she deserves to enjoy it...whatever that means for her. We'll take it step by step. First, the decorations. Next, the small gathering at Chuck E. Cheese...if she is ready. We will NEVER force either of the girls to do something that they absolutely do not want to do...but if its something that we know they want but are being kept from because of fear and anxiety...watch out pathology. We're coming for you!

Mike's birthday was great. The girls had a blast singing to him and telling everyone they saw that it was "daddy's birthday." We had a great dinner out and capped the night with some pirate cupcakes and group effort candle blow.

The movies. Oh, the movies. It was absolutely divine. We got there and we were excited. We immediately knew we were in the right place because we saw a kiddo with autism in the lobby. We got goodies from the concession stand and ran into a Sergeant from Mike's prison who was there with his wife, and two daughters one of which is on the spectrum. We got into the theater and it was abuzz with the sounds and movements of our people. Humming, some shrieks and squeals, hands silhouetted against the screen rhythmically moving up and down with fingers wiggling. We found our seats and I had a moment to glance around. It was nothing but families like mine. As the girls hunkered down and opened their snacks and the previews began to roll, I cried. Tears streaming down my face, my arm around Nixi, and a smile from ear to ear. It was such a beautiful moment. I couldn't believe how comfortable and at ease I felt. I've never felt so comfortable in my life as a mother. There was no anxiety about "what if X has a meltdown?", or if the girls talk to loudly, repeating the same phrase or question for an hour...it was just a family in a movie theater passing around snacks and talking about what was going to happen next. Every family in the theater seemed to be on the same place, too. It was our first time out as a family where Mike and my only job was to enjoy just being with our kids. It was magical. I never wanted it to end. Of course, it had to and Nixi shut down on the way home. But, boy, was it ever worth it. Both girls did great the rest of the day. We kept it very chill and aside from Nixi needing to "check out" here and there, which is her norm, there was no fall out. My best friend commented today that she felt sad that life wasn't like that for us all of the time, that it took a special event for us to feel that way. Yes, it is sad...especially because now I know life like that exists. However, even if its just one day out of the year that affords us the luxury that we felt that day...I'll take that. Its more days than we had before and it certainly inspires us to look for more venues where we can be with families like us so we can feel that way again. A really great day.

Easter was, well, Easter. Overstimulating, sugar tinged, pastel and fuzzy...like it is for all kids. One meltdown that was quickly recovered from, and a whole lot of laughter and LOUD voices! Another bang up day!

Oh, and an update on Safi's birthday. I began typing this before the girls went to bed. During our end of the night feed the guinea pigs ritual, Safi made a point to remind that tomorrow was her birthday. She told me she wants a pink pony, they watched My Little Pony before bed, and delighted in me telling her that her and I would go to the store and use some of her birthday money to buy a pink pony in the morning. Just her and me...a rare treat. She was ecstatic and it was all she could talk about when Mike tucked her in to bed. Full circle. We're back to the good place.

Have a wonderful week...and keep those blue lights burning!

Sarah