Here we are, the last blog entry for April. I'm sick and Mike seems to be coming down with whatever it is that I have, too. I'm tired on all levels and I'm ready to move on. So, I'll give a brief run down of the weeks events then get straight to the part that really matters...letters to our girls and a letter to autism.

Nixi's birthday was rough. Lot's of meltdowns, mostly Safi...but Nixi was unbelievably overstimulated so she was a loose cannon as well. We still managed to give Nixi a 3rd birthday that she was elated with. Before she went to bed I asked her if her birthday was great and she said it was. While we wish it had been perfect, the great thing about Nixi is that she doesn't seem to really remember what she does in a day. So, as long as the last 10 minutes of her day are good, she claims the day as a success. We want to thank everyone for sending cards, gifts, money, books, and well wishes. It always makes the girls feel so special to see how many people are thinking of them. Mike and I appreciate it more than we can say, makes us feel much less alone.

Safi had a great week at school. She's been struggling emotionally ever since the last weekend so we're hoping she can find her "center" soon. We had one day where all was right with the world and everything in it...the day the mailman brought the massive lot of My Little Ponies that we bought off of Ebay. Both girls were elated and it was so fun to just see them enjoying themselves...even if it doesn't last forever.

Nixi started big girl school on Friday. She is going to the special services preschool that Safi went to for a summer leading up to when she started school at Lincoln with Teacher Jenn. It went ok. Heather, our BIA, went with her and she did well...much like she did when she first started the early intervention group she used to go to. The energy in the classroom was terrific, much calmer than the early intervention fiasco. While it ended in a tremendous meltdown from both girls, as Safi struggled with "letting go" of what used to be her school and Nixi struggled with being overwhelmed and overstimulated...all in all it was a much better experience for all of us than early intervention had been. We're feeling like its a really good fit for Nix and that's exciting.

That's the cliff notes of our week. So, now the letters to the girls. I'm thinking we'll do this every end of April. Its a nice way to share how we feel with the girls as well as a nice way to reflect on another year in the trenches of life. I hope they read this and know how very much they are loved...no matter how hard it is or how hard it gets. You are loved.

Safi Seifert, we love you so. Its been a tremendous year of growth for you. You are doing amazing at school. Your verbal expression has exploded! You have found your voice, my dear, and boy is it a roar! You have begun to recognise the subtleties of sarcasm and you use it often, much to our amazement and pleasure (for the most part!). Your world has continued to expand to include new friends from kindergarten (Candygarten, as you call it), new environments like Chuck E. Cheese and the zoo, and a new found thirst for independence and growing up. You recognize that you are a big kid in relation to Nixi and you want to do the things that the other big kids in our neighborhood do. Unfortunately, many of those kids are much older than you and have different rules than you and that makes you very upset with us. We love you, we want you to be happy and independent but we also need to keep you safe. In the following year we promise to work on finding better ways to give you more space and freedom without compromising safety. You deserve those things and we recognize that. You are becoming more and more engaged with the world outside of our front yard and, while scary for us, we couldn't be prouder of you. You are outgoing, funny, sarcastic, silly, intense, thoughtful, sensitive, and stubborn. Our wish for you this following year is a wish for joy and ease. We understand that you work for everything, hard. We see that most things do not come to you with ease and that you are acutely aware of this. You want so badly to just bound into a room and start friendships. You yearn so desperately for the confidence and ease to jump on a scooter and ride it, slide down a tall slide without a care, trip without looking to see if anyone was watching. You work at these things every day and every day you inch closer to the life you want so desperately to be yours. We promise that we will be there with you, 100% of the way..following a few steps behind, as is your wish. Never so far behind that we can't rush in and catch you at a moments notice. This coming year will be scary, exciting, fun, and overwhelming...and its going to be terrific!

Nixi, Nixi, Nixi. How we love and adore you. This year has been a rough one. Lots of steps ahead and lots of steps backward, by no fault of your own. You are a trooper. You are a survivor. You live every moment as though it could be your last, sadly often believing that it may very well be. You were tremendously brave this year and went to all of your Early Intervention classes. You were in the same space as a number of kids and you stuck it out. While it may not have outwardly appeared that you felt connected with some new friends, you told me a number of times that you enjoyed playing with a select few. You powered through changes in teachers and changes in kids as old friends graduated and new kids appeared. You have learned some new calming skills and you allow us to prompt you to use them even if you're upset. Despite your difficulty remembering things that have happened throughout the day you still manage to have moments of absolute clarity and joy. You love going to restaurants and you love sushi. You are a huge My Little Pony fan and you have your favorite characters independent of what your sister likes. You are more and more your own person and you have strong wants and needs that you express clearly. In the following year we would love to get your memory issues figured out with the help of the neurologist. We would like to see you having moments of rest and peace. We ask that you continue to allow us to be a part of your world, even if we don't always seem to do that well in it. We will get better at it, and you will get better at joining ours as long as as we all keep at it. We know it tiring and confusing a lot of the time for you. We promise that we will find better ways of clarifying things for you so that you can have more opportunities to feel successful and proud of yourself. We are proud of you endlessly and we want you to see yourself as the capable, strong little soul that we know you are. You are resilient, funny, adorable, goofy, intense, sweet, and electric.

And now, the letter to Autism.

Autism, oh, Autism. Last year I had some kind things to say...this year, not so much. You've really done a number on us. You've drained us to the core. You've amped up your attack on my youngest child to levels that are shameful. In your relentless pursuit of my child's mind and soul you've managed to drag my other child down with her. Luckily, she's a fighter and you've only managed to grab one ankle...FYI, she plans to kick the hell out of you with that free foot with as much vigor and enthusiasm as you display when you're crumbling her sister. You've physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted us. I think that's the plan. I am well aware that this is all a test of endurance, not speed or agility. There is no finish line, there is no winner...or at least there wont be if you have your way. While there may be no finish line, I need you to know that there absolutely will be winners in this game you play. You will NOT steal my children's childhood. You will NOT kill their joy and innocence. You will NOT be the ruiner of all things hopeful and promising. You will NOT...read that...YOU WILL NOT CLAIM MY CHILDREN. They are not yours, they are MINE and most importantly they are THEIR OWN PEOPLE! They are NOT YOU. They are NOT AUTISM. So, continue to play your games and continue to wreak havoc on our lives if you must, but remember, at the end of the day you are nothing but a part of neurology. A confusion in brain signals, or perhaps synapses. A gene mutation, maybe? You are NOT the whole and the sum of my children and they will live with you peacefully as long as you show them a little respect. If you don't, I'm not quite sure how just yet...but science, researchers, and I are going to be coming for you and it ain't gonna be pretty.

With that I say thank you for being a part of Autism Awareness month with us. Autism Awareness never ends in our house so I implore you to keep it alive in yours the whole year through. Talk to people about it. Read about it. Don't stare at people who are different or struggling. Support your friends and family that are living with autism. Be a part of the conversation, don't just listen.

Sarah

Its been a long week. We wrapped up Nixi's Early Intervention "school", had her IEP for the coming real school year, and were still coming down off of all of the previous week's excitement.

We got a visit from my mom, Nana Cummings. It was fun. Unfortunately Safi was a little off due to an incident with a red ant getting in her shoe at school on Tuesday. 44% of people on the Autism spectrum have multiple phobias. For Safi, bugs are one. Her teacher called me to come early because they had neveer seenm her so upset. I got there and she kept asking me to wipe her...as she felt like there were bugs crawling on her. That night she woke up at midnight and again at 3am screaming that there was a bug on her face, arm, etc. As I tried to console her my haor burshed against her arm and she about jumped out of her skin. So, when Nana was here and we went to the park which was full of bugs because its getting warm out she couldnt take it. She kept asking me to make the beetles go away. She kept wiping at her arms. She was on the edge and Nixi riding a scooter ahead of her was the match that lit the fuse. She exploded and attacked Nixi. A huge meltdown with screaming and the like ensued and we eventually just left the park. She was unable to relax outside at home because she couldnt stop looking for bugs that might touch her. She was all around miserable. We worked on doing some cognitive restructing this morning about bugs. We talked about what bugs bite and what bugs dont and we made a game out of the girls pretending to be bugs as I modeled what to do if a bug is bothering you. Later, outside, we used sticks to guide a pincher bug up our driveway. Lots of exposures combined with humor and education will eventually move her past this...until next time. There will always be a next time, unfortunately. The last time we had a bug issue was the spider in the bathtub resulting in me sponge bathing her while she crouched on a step stool in the tub for nearly 3 months. She's fascinated by bugs. That's one of the many things I love about that kid. When she's afraid of something she wants to learn EVERYTHING about it. She seems to inherently know that "flooding" (tons of exposure to the feared stimuli) is what she needs to move past things. A wise soul.

Its Nixi's 3rd birthday tomorrow and the house is vibrating with excitement. I have high hopes that she will have a great day...I am realistic that it will need to be much more sedate than Safi's birthday was. It will be different but equally wonderful, just like my girls.

Ill post lots of pictures next week in my last blog entry before handing the reigns back over to the girls.

Sarah

Chicken on a hot plate. Put a quarter in a box and music plays while a chicken in a small coop dances its heart out...or, rather, tries to escape third degree burns from the hidden hot plate that your quarter turned on. I saw one once when I was in high school at Barstow Station on the way to Vegas. Oh, yeah, sorry mom and dad..but I went to Vegas my senior year. But that's beside the point, back to the chicken. I have to admit, I put a quarter in and watched that bird boogie. It wasn't until after that I was told why the bird was dancing and resolved myself to steal the foul and liberate it on my way home. I never did...

We had to go to the courthouse to get Nixi's birth certificate. Her IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting for school next year is this coming Tuesday and we can't do it without it. Heather (our BIA: Behavior Intervention Analyst), the girls, and I ventured out in the rain on a mission. We got to the courthouse..a new and novel environment. As we walked up the big walkway to the building Nixi was watching her feet as she walked as usual and Safi was distracted by the falling raindrops. We were ushered through a security screening by a less than cheery civil servant. Heather and I were asked to pick up our pant legs so that she could inspect our shoes. The girls got through with no problem...until we hit the hallway. Safi, in that telling shrieky voices, repeated over and over again "My pants, my pants!" Game on. She needed to motor imitate what the guard had done to myself and Heather because she was anxious...and it was no help that it took us more than 30 seconds to realize what she was talking about. I told her to pull her pants up, which she did very seriously and then I told she could go on...as we had been told. Crisis averted! We got to the counter and were told that they only accepted cash or check, of which I had neither. We were told to go downstairs to the cafeteria for an ATM machine. Cool beans, no problem. We look for the elevators, noting that both girls are on edge and confused as to why we are in this huge, loud, fast, bright, scary place. Elevators located...we are ok to disco. We push the button and wait next to a one eyed woman looking for the probation department. Ding...down arrow lights up..WHOOOSH..giant steel doors open..and we're in, along with the one eyed lady. Going down............CHICKEN ON A HOT PLATE! Within milliseconds of the elevator moving Nixi started hopping frantically from one foot to the other as if the ground beneath had just been set ablaze...then the scream. Eardrum shattering, bone shaking, blood curdling. One eyed lady is composed and smiles. I try to pick her up but she is in both fight and flight mode and this is no joke, she's fighting for her life. I manage to scoop her up and make eye contact with her...now the tears. WHOOOOSH...the blast of cold air on her face as the steel tomb released her took her breath away, but only for a second. We walk down the hallway, Safi grinning ear to ear (she loved it and later went up and down with Heather as Nixi and awaited our paperwork), Nixi trembling and weeping in my arms and muttering "all done elevator, all done elevator, all done elevator.." We find the ATM and get the girls a treat from the cafeteria. We all sit at a table to compose ourselves and fill out forms when I am struck by what just happened. In the moment when I looked down at my child as those elevator does engulfed us I consciously thought, "chicken on a hot plate" and was mesmerized for a moment, rendered totally useless. Its just such a mind boggling site to see a being in such horror...its disorienting, confusing, startling, shocking. That's MY being...my kid. Wow. How sad. Really, really sad. The elevator ride was one floor down..seconds. In a matter of seconds my daughter went through the very real (for her) fear of death...like, really...fear of death, and now she's sitting across from me eating Funions and telling me that she "loves them so much, mama." Amazing.

Amazing for me because I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have had the fear of death. Driving in the rain and hydroplaning backwards, car accident, house break in. Not so amazing for my 3 year old daughter who has experiences like this daily. Yes, daily. Such a bleak reminder of the world that my daughter is living in. A world where something as benign and mundane as an elevator ride is experiences as a very real threat to safety. Even worse, I was the one leading the lamb to the slaughter. And that's when it dawned on me. My little chick on the hot plate fought me when I swooped in for the rescue. She didn't grab me and claw up my legs into my safe embrace...she was struggling to breathe and she wasn't about to let me push her head under. That's how she experiences life...alone. We've always called Nixi our "island", because from infancy she's never trusted anyone. Why would she? We're all trying to kill her...I'm trying to kill her.

There's nothing I can do to change this perception. I am there for both of my kids 110%, always. My only hope is that over time the realization will be made that I am with them through these terrifying moments..even if they are moments that I have led them in to, and that they consistently come out of them alive. Safi gets that...like, in her soul gets it. Nixi says it, because that's what Nixi does. She says things, everything, we say. Does she "feel" it...no, not really. I hope some day she does. I would die for that child, without fear or hesitation. So, while I never was able to return and rescue that chicken in Barstow...you better believe that I'm not giving up until I am confident that I have rescued this little chick. And I will, one day, I will.

Safi's birthday worked itself out to be wonderful. It was not without its tears and fears, but she pulled through beautifully and had a great day. We went out, just her and I, first thing in the morning to get her pink pony. She picked a special pony for Nixi, because she's just that kind of sister. Chuck E. Cheese was fun. Our friends, the Shooks, met us there and it was off to the races. Safi took to the environment like a duck to water, her only hesitation being getting close to the stage with the giant animatronic characters on it. Nixi was overwhelmed the instant we arrived. She was excited, but terrified. She wanted to observe everything..and do NOTHING! The mere mention of the word "token" (the currency used for all games and rides) prompted screaming, some tears, some rage. Luckily, Safi didn't notice...she was quickly making the rounds with our BIA (Behavioral Intervention Analyst)and adopted member of the family, Heather. Mike and I took turns following Nixi as she darted from one game to the other, eventually asking for token then bolting at their sight. We got some pizza in her and she eventually played a few games and even braved a huge horse riding, race track game! The big success for Safi was getting right up to the stage and watching the characters. She wouldn't allow us of Heather to accompany her...it had to be Nixi. See, Nixi is Safi's bomb sniffing dog. Safi is very aware that Nixi is afraid of everything and always scanning the environment for potential threats. So, she send Nixi in first...and that day was no exception. She kept calling to Nixi and once she got her within arms reach she quickly places Nixi in front her as a human shield. As they inched forward, Safi nudging Nixi and Nixi engulfed by her senses so much so that she couldn't resist...I saw a lovely, quirky, heartwarming moment of two kids making dysfunction functional, together. Safi quite literally pushing Nixi into a new experience and Nixi trusting the hands giving her the shove. Mutual trust and understanding. Awesome.


Exciting and draining week.

Sarah

The Chuck E Cheese montage....

Wow, what a week! Spring break, Mike's birthday, going to the movies for the first time, and Easter. We're beat....but have reserved just enough juice to power through a (hopefully) amazing 5th birthday for Safi on Monday.

As of tonight, Sunday, she's feeling afraid and "sad" about the upcoming festivities...telling me "all done Safi's birthday" and weeping softly, curled up into a ball on my lap. She went through this for the three days leading up to the movies, and she goes through this leading up to most new things or exciting events. I ask her, "Does mommy hurt you or does mommy keep you safe?". She quietly replies, still coiled tightly in her little ball of armor, "keeps me safe." Then I tell her that I will never take her anywhere or do anything with her without keeping her safe. I have to get the dog from the backyard because he's feverishly chasing a skateboarder on the fence line. I also know that if I nudge her to stand up, I'm also nudging her to move on. I come back in with the dog and she's happily playing with her Easter toys.

You see, its as if every minute that Safi is in a ball her armor grows stronger. It is my greatest fear that one day the armor will be on for so long and become so strong that we will lose her to the fear. We are constantly put in the position as parents of having to know, or at least trying to know, what the optimal level of comfort vs. confirmation is for both of our kids. A wholly unnatural and foreign concept for most parents. Generally, kid is afraid, hurt, sad...you comfort until they are ready to get off of your lap and share a chuckle or a drink of milk. With our kids, the fear and anxiety is crippling. If they are apprehensive about something and we show too much concern they take that as confirmation that the situation warrants apprehension. For every minute past that "optimal level of comfort", their fear and anxiety increases exponentially. So, Mike and I are constantly forced to go against our parental instinct to comfort and are forced a number of times through out the day to push the proverbial birds from the nest. Its awful. It hurts, it feesl shameful, it feels down right mean. However, it is what our kids need to face their day to day fears. It is what our kids need in order to put themselves out there and take risks. Without taking risks there is no chance for happiness, joy, and success. So, we do what we need to do and are thankful often that we seem to have good enough "feel" for the girls. They still love us and have yet to answer the question "do we hurt you or keep you safe?", with "hurt."

So, Mike and I will decorate the house with Spongebob birthday paraphernalia and hope for the best. If we didn't do, not only would we be confirming her fear and anxiety, she'd be heart broken. Again, a feature of Safi's pathology...the need for ritual. Even if she isn't ready for her birthday, she knows its her birthday and a banner is hung above the entry to our kitchen when its some one's birthday. Decorations are on each door in the hallway..each main light adorned, etc. So, decorate we shall just as soon as the munchkins hit the hay. It will be ok, because it has to be. Its her 5th birthday, she only gets it once and she deserves to enjoy it...whatever that means for her. We'll take it step by step. First, the decorations. Next, the small gathering at Chuck E. Cheese...if she is ready. We will NEVER force either of the girls to do something that they absolutely do not want to do...but if its something that we know they want but are being kept from because of fear and anxiety...watch out pathology. We're coming for you!

Mike's birthday was great. The girls had a blast singing to him and telling everyone they saw that it was "daddy's birthday." We had a great dinner out and capped the night with some pirate cupcakes and group effort candle blow.

The movies. Oh, the movies. It was absolutely divine. We got there and we were excited. We immediately knew we were in the right place because we saw a kiddo with autism in the lobby. We got goodies from the concession stand and ran into a Sergeant from Mike's prison who was there with his wife, and two daughters one of which is on the spectrum. We got into the theater and it was abuzz with the sounds and movements of our people. Humming, some shrieks and squeals, hands silhouetted against the screen rhythmically moving up and down with fingers wiggling. We found our seats and I had a moment to glance around. It was nothing but families like mine. As the girls hunkered down and opened their snacks and the previews began to roll, I cried. Tears streaming down my face, my arm around Nixi, and a smile from ear to ear. It was such a beautiful moment. I couldn't believe how comfortable and at ease I felt. I've never felt so comfortable in my life as a mother. There was no anxiety about "what if X has a meltdown?", or if the girls talk to loudly, repeating the same phrase or question for an hour...it was just a family in a movie theater passing around snacks and talking about what was going to happen next. Every family in the theater seemed to be on the same place, too. It was our first time out as a family where Mike and my only job was to enjoy just being with our kids. It was magical. I never wanted it to end. Of course, it had to and Nixi shut down on the way home. But, boy, was it ever worth it. Both girls did great the rest of the day. We kept it very chill and aside from Nixi needing to "check out" here and there, which is her norm, there was no fall out. My best friend commented today that she felt sad that life wasn't like that for us all of the time, that it took a special event for us to feel that way. Yes, it is sad...especially because now I know life like that exists. However, even if its just one day out of the year that affords us the luxury that we felt that day...I'll take that. Its more days than we had before and it certainly inspires us to look for more venues where we can be with families like us so we can feel that way again. A really great day.

Easter was, well, Easter. Overstimulating, sugar tinged, pastel and fuzzy...like it is for all kids. One meltdown that was quickly recovered from, and a whole lot of laughter and LOUD voices! Another bang up day!

Oh, and an update on Safi's birthday. I began typing this before the girls went to bed. During our end of the night feed the guinea pigs ritual, Safi made a point to remind that tomorrow was her birthday. She told me she wants a pink pony, they watched My Little Pony before bed, and delighted in me telling her that her and I would go to the store and use some of her birthday money to buy a pink pony in the morning. Just her and me...a rare treat. She was ecstatic and it was all she could talk about when Mike tucked her in to bed. Full circle. We're back to the good place.

Have a wonderful week...and keep those blue lights burning!

Sarah

Its April again, folks...and you guessed it, we hacked the blog and it ours! Really wasn't hard this year given the girls' love of Spongebob Squarepants..easy password! So we're here for the next few week to talk about Autism, our lives, the girls' happenings, and all things Seifert. I'll wanr you now...this month's entries may be filled with joy, anger, laughter, sadness, triumphs, and set backs. In this house we often have all of the above in a 24 hr span. We invite you to laugh with us, cry with us, and expiernece with us for the next month...uncenscored life at its finest!

As April begins Mike and I are hit with a mixture of excitement and sadness. We're terribly excited about all of our April birthdays...Mike will be 50 on the 4th, Safi will be 5 on the 9th, and Nixi will be 3 on the 23rd. We're pumped up for World Autism Awareness Day April 2nd when we get an opportunity to light our house up blue in support of the autism community and awareness. At the same time, its a reminder that we ARE the autism community. We're part of an exlcusive club for which we did not sign up. We were all drafted into this life. None of us are heros. Our daughters arent heros because they have autism...they are just trying to survive. What choice do they have other than to press on? Mike and I arent heros for loving our children...who doesn't love their children? We're all just trying to make it...day by day, sometimes minute to minute. So, we enter this month a true mixed bag.

A week ago I registered Safi for the AYSO VIP League. Soccer for special needs. Mike and I were SO excited! Autism or not, we're parents and signing your kid up for their first team endeavor is exciting!! Mike got home from work and I gleefully grabbed our registration form and made tracks up to the gym hosting registration. I walked into the conference room and immediately sensed that I was in the land of NT's..or, neuro typicals. Clearly, I had expected this...but I suppose I hadn't prepared myself for how that would feel. It felt awkward. I immediately wanted to slap down my fee and get the heck out of there. I was joyfully asked if I had a new player. What a wonderful opportunity for the association and the parents that love it to share their passion with a new recruit! I said yes and quickly filled out my paperwork. I glanced over at the registration table...3 moms and 1 dad taking forms. I could overhear thenm talking all thing soccer. Everyone was excited for this day! I headed up to the table and turned in my form. As the woman prepared to ask me for my check I saw her putting my registration form in a huge pile that my gut told me was not our pile. I told the woman that we were registering for the VIP League....the table went silent. Then, the questions. Seems only one parent running registration was familiar with it. So, all of the others had to start asking her questions...as I stand, check in hand, wanting to either scream or run. "How do they play?" "What do you mean its ages 4-19?" "I don't get it." "Aw, that's so cute." "What if they don't have enough kids to play each other?...Well, then they ask teams when their done playing if they wouldn't mind playing---silence--" I say, "special needs?" "Oh, no, I meant soccer." Yeah, ok. It went on, this conversation about my kid and others, for a few minutes. I give them my check and turn to leave when I see a young woman...I just KNOW she is of my people. The woman who took my check tells me "That's your coach." I meet Danielle and her younger sister..coach and assistant coach. They are young, vibrant, enthusiastic, knowledgeable, and delighted that I'm there. I take a minute to tell her how horrible registration was without her there and she apologizes and assures me she'll be there to greet any other parents. I leave feeling so wonderful about meeting two new people that will really care about my kid and work their tails off to help her succeed...and I leave there holding back tears of anger, sadness, I'm just plain hurt. I get home and Mike looks at me with that wide eyed, "how amazing was it?" look. All I can muster is, "I'm really mad and I have to go on the patio." The moment the sliding glass door closes behind me I crumble. Tears for so many reasons. Anger that my "first" was tarnished. Anger and sadness that people can be so ignorant. Fear from the realization that, indeed, that was my "first"...,my first real experience in the legitimate NT world for which my eldest daughter will be submerged into 100% come next fall. This was the first of the rest of our lives..explaining to people, feeling the need to justify our presence in their activity/world, suppressing anger at stupidity, pretending not to be offended so as not to look overly sensitive.

It was a real eye opener. Yes, we participate in the NT world on a daily basis. We go shopping, go to parks, restaurants, etc. on a daily basis. Turns out, we've also been exceptionally sheltered for the past 4 years. While we frequent NT places, the majority of our social and emotional life has been lived behind the walls of Early Intervention, therapy buildings, and special services school. We knew it was going to be different when Safi is mainstreamed next year...but knowing on an intellectual level and knowing on a cellular, visceral level are two entirely different things. This is reality, baby, and its NOT what we had prepared for. It certainly wont change the choices we make for the girls or the opportunities we present them with. All research shows that kids on the spectrum who self-report a high quality of life as teens and young adults have one thing in common, involvement in extra curricular activities. A few reasons for this is that these activities allow kids a chance to experience Independence that is not possible at home (you know parents, we're such lurkers), hang out with friends outside of school (an experience that they may not have outside of organized activities), and to be able to own their accomplishments fully (accomplishments made independent of mom and dad are the sweetest, for ANY kid). So, we'll press on. However, it was a reminder for Mike and myself that we're really going to have to work hard and check our emotions at the car. If we are in a situation where adult are being ignorant, the girls wont know it unless we let them know it. So, we're going to have to eat a lot of crow to ensure that the girls have the best experiences that they can have. They never need to know that some parent was an idiot. We will not ruin they're excitement and courageousness in the face of new things. Don't get me wrong, we will NEVER not advocate and protect our kids. We'll just need to pick our battles very wisely. Its not going to be easy for Mike and me...we like to think of ourselves as the Autism Militia, take no prisoners and no child left behind. If our kids can muster up the courage to try new things, we can make the best effort that we can to control our mouths and minds. Enter new mantra..."Educate, don't annihilate...unless they really have it coming..then nuke 'em!"..hummmmmmmmmmmm hummmmmmmmmm.

The girls had a pretty good week. Nixi had an Easter egg hunt up at Bright Start. They let Safi participate, which was nice. They both tore around the patio area and got their 5 eggs in record time. Unfortunately, they ended class with the hunt so they didn't do bubbles or the good bye song. We paid for this deviation for the rest of the day. Nixi was excited about all the fun but really needed the ritual to feel ok. We managed to push on and by the next day she was ok. Safi got to do lots of fun Easter stuff at school, making an Easter basket and doing an egg hunt. She just loves teacher Mel, teacher Joanne and all of her friends. On the last day she cried when she had to leave because she knows she's off for the next week for spring break. How wonderful that she loves school so much. Safi's teachers also put together an Easter basket for Nixi. They always make sure that Nixi is included and it makes her feel really special. We are lucky to have people in our lives that not only care about our kids, but also understand how significantly it can affect our home when one kid is left out.

We had a big weekend. To space out the birthday goodies we're doing a birthday month, of sorts, much like we do Christmas. So, Saturday Mike put up the girls' new loft bed..complete with slide, of course! We ordered curtains for it so the underneath where Nixi sleeps looks like a little playhouse. Safi has a Spongebob tent that we rigged. They just love it. Both of them slept in their respective spaces all night! Nixi woke up a few times, but nothing out of the ordinary so we were pleasantly surprised. We were prepared for them to say they were "all done new bed" once bedtime arrived. In the past, regardless of how much they loved something, the change would have been too much. They've come a long way and we're so proud. So, we've started the month on a high and for that I am grateful.

On a sad note, Mike's beloved Aunt Harriet passed. Wish so desperately that we could travel and be there to celebrate her life and mourn her passing. We're just not there yet. So, we'll be there in spirit and I know Aunt Harriet would understand.

I would like to take a minute to wish Mike a happy 50th birthday. I know you feel old, I know you feel tired, and I know you wonder how you'll be able to handle all of us in the years to come. My husband, you'll do it as you have been..hiding all of the afor mentioned and working your tail off to make dreams come true. We appreciate you more than we could ever tell you and we promise to try our very best to carry you through another 50 yrs because you are the magic in the family. We love you very much.

Until next week...turn on those blue light bulbs, cut a giant puzzle piece out of poster board and stick it in your window, talk to anyone who wants to about the persons you love affected by autism, and have a great week!

Sarah