No post last weekend because we had a full weekend of good old fun and with MLK holiday on Monday, we were just enjoying the long break.

Right down to it.  Nixi seemed to be improving with the med increase, slightly more linear thinking, eating wonderfully, and saying "My brain is bothering me, I'm just not listening to it."  That's precisely the goal, to turn the volume down on her brain enough so that she can somewhat ignore it.  She had stellar days at school, asking peers relevant questions and waiting for their answers and her teachers were delighted.  Delusional content remained but otherwise she was good.  Last weekend she started getting very moody and easily upset by small things.  She began itching her wrists which she hasn't done in a very long time.  But most notable to me is that she has lots of leg movement at night when she's sleeping.  In the past this has mean akathisia.  Not sure if it means that now, but we see Dr. Soulier at Davis Feb 3rd and we can figure it out then.

Safi, oh my Safi girl.  So, Safi has been struggling at school to one extent or another this whole year.  Before winter break she was super excited to be off and didn't want to go back.  Since being back she has cried in class and last Friday she did something generally only reserved for her sister and I....she put her arms rigid and straight at her side, balled up her fists, and bared her teeth at kids on the playground.  At the beginning of the week she had a homework assignment where she had to write a paragraph about her best friend.  She wrote about Nixi because she said she doesn't have any friends at school.  Sister, Twilight, and I have been walking her to class in the morning since going back after winter break and despite the work her and I have done on making eye contact before speaking (as she talks to the back of people's head a lot), when she says "hi" to kids in her class they outright ignore her or move around her to talk to another kid.  They don't like her.  She's a "rule police" during class time because she wants to get her work done and doesn't understand why the other kids goof off and she doesn't understand that they hold a grudge.  When she plays on the playground she always has to win or she get upset and throws a fit.  Nobody wants to play with her.  Her teacher has noticed that its been getting worse since coming back from break and that coincides with what I thought was depression over the divorce.  I'm sure that's part of it but it dawned on me the other night that school is playing a major part in how she feels about herself and its absolutely heartbreaking.  As the kids get older and more sophisticated socially its just going to get worse and she WILL become the problem autistic kid with "behaviors."  So, we need to find a school for her where she is with her peers...other kids with special needs...and has a well trained and knowledgeable staff that help guide her through this social maze that is life so that she can thrive.  Currently, she is surviving...not thriving.  So, at her IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting before her birthday in April the teachers, therapists, and I must write an IEP indicating that she would do better in a more restrictive environment.  I don't care anymore, I just want my kid...my kids...to be happy.  What ever that takes, whatever you call it, whatever it means and looks like.  She did, however, get Student of the Month and this Friday we will celebrate her AND Logan, who also got it this month, at a lovely continental breakfast in the school cafeteria.

On Safi's third birthday, the day that Early Intervention exits kids and you lose the emotional support of the sweet "teachers", OT's, Speech Therapists and are handed off to the schools, I took Safi and Nixi to Bravo Farms for the first time.  When we pulled up to the parking lot she was scared and started to whine and cry that she was scared.  It was a new place she had never been before and I hadn't either so I didn't know what to expect.  I turned and told her in a calm and absolutely genuinely said, "I'm scared, too.  This is new and different and we don't know what's going to happen but we're brave and we're all together and we're going to be okay.  Now lets go have fun, birthday girl."  I put Nixi, 1 then, in a sling and Safi climbed out of the car.  Hand in hand we opened the gate and found an absolute wonderland on the other side with livestock, ride on toys, a tree house, magic.  And it was a good...no, it was a GREAT day.  I've lost me.  I've become so overwhelmed and lost in the "what if's" and worst case scenarios in the past months that I've completely lost the "me" that bravely led my girls into new and novel situations, pioneered the grass roots summer school, and effectively advocated for my kids.  I've gotten tangled in all of the different strings that I pull to try to control the uncontrollable and I'm this huge knot...and I've been sinking.  Today I painfully realized that.  So, I'm cutting those strings and untangling myself so that I can breathe, so that I can float, so that I can be brave again.

Today is a good...no, a GREAT day.

Sarah