It was a bittersweet New Year....the girls and I had a blast throwing our own New Year's Eve party, and I had to increase Nixi's Risperdal again by .25mg, for a current total of 1.75mg.  She was having intense command hallucinations to cook me and drain my blood amd the "people" were telling her to "never eat again so I'll die", and New Year's Eve day she, indeed, did not eat.  I had been noticing her food and milk intake going down subtly for about a month but I had attributed it to paranoia and thought that I could reason her "out of it."  I hadn't consider command hallucinations.  But this is not unlike during summer when the voices were telling her to dunk her head under the water in our pool so she would drown...the only difference is that I can keep her out of a pool but I cannot force her to eat.  It was really scary and sobering, the realization that this symptom could be the one that lands her in a psychiatric inpatient unit.  I always say she'll never be hospitalized as long as I can physically control her, keep her and others safe, but I hadn't even considered a situation like starvation.  A reminder that nothing is off the table or the radar of this illness.

The great news is that the increase did a world of good.  Nix is eating better, saying the people aren't telling her not to eat, and she says she is doing better and that appears to be the case.

On New Years Eve the girls made a list of things they want to do in 2014:
Go to a hotel
Go on an airplane (Nixi...Safi not so down with that yet)
Go on a train (Safi...but Nixi is cool with it)
Go to the beach
Legoland
Have a slumber party/sleepover
Safi: Learn to do back flips
Nixi: Climb a tree to look for squirrels and birds if they're big enough
Hug more
Yell less
Try new foods like chips with hot sauce, hamburgers, and salad


New Years day was absolutely magical.  My brother and his wife had given the girls gift cards to Build A Bear Workshop for Christmas so we hit the mall.  This is the first time we've been to the mall in over 4 yrs.  We got there right after opening and it was a a ghost town...perfect.  The girls were beyond excited and the Build A Bear employees made sure it was a totally wonderful experience.  The girls happily bounced out of the store with their freshly made ponies.....and there it was...mere steps in front us in the food court...a train!
We bought our tickets and rode the mall train around the south end of the mall and the food court.  The girls were beside themselves, Nixi exclaiming, "I can't believe we're on a TRAIN!!!  Safi, your New Years wish came true!"  After disembarking we ate mall food for lunch and had an absolutely grand time.  It was really awesome.

Monday night we are taking a mini overnight vacation in a hotel, Safi is extremely excited.  My mom is coming up for a visit the middle of the week, and the girls get to spend all next weekend with their dad...they're preference over one night...so it looks like a fun and busy last week of winter break then back to the school grind.  I'll need to start touring class rooms in the district to start figuring out what school is going to look like for Nixi next year and I am also going to look into some alternative options for Safi as well...more on that later.  I have an appointment for Nixi up at Davis in the beginning of February as well as a psychiatrist appointment for Safi med February where I plan to discuss her depression regarding the divorce.

So, Happy New Year.  My hope for 2014 is that Safi and I can get back to the place our relationship was before she became aware of the divorce, that Nixi will have longer periods of "stable enough", and that we all will smile, laugh, dance, fall into a giggling heap together on the floor, and hug even more than we did in 2013.  My goal for 2014 is to find the appropriate adjunct therapies for both girls so that I don't have to be a clinician in my day to day dealing with them.....I just want to be their mom.  What are your hopes and goals for 2014?

Sarah

This blog is dedicated to my grandpa, Gerald "Gel" Cummings, who passed shortly after Christmas.  The smell of a pipe, the beauty of a hand carved bird, and the mumble/chuckle of a dashing and ever dapper man will live forever in my heart and my memories.

Safi's 2013:


Nixi's 2013: