When the high's are high, man, they go to the moon and back....and the low's, bottom of the rabbit hole.

The girls' Christmas dance recitals went AMAZING.  Nixi was extremely anxious backstage because it was "taking too long" before they went on, though we only got there 15 minutes early.  But once everyone was on stage they all did wonderfully.  They were totally into it and by the second night they were a little full of themselves and it shows because they made some silly mistakes just because they were feeling like superstars...and they were.  It didn't matter if everything was precise or on time, every single one of the Radiant Rubies absolutely hit it out of the park with their enthusiasm, joy, and pure sass.  Positively divine.



On the heels of three nights of dancing, with the dress rehearsal having been Sunday, the girls were bound to crash...and they did.  Safi, not too bad.  She was very emotional and just generally out of sorts.  Nixi was on the edge of the rabbit hole, here memory for all things big and small and time and space evaporating and the dementia like symptoms front and center.  Vague paranoia was setting in as early as Monday night on the way to the recital, lots of "Are you sure that's where we're going?" anytime we drove anywhere for the remainder of the week.  Thursday was her class's very small and mellow last day before winter break celebration.  All morning Nix was getting herself excited and worked up over it.  We went and got her teachers gifts, their favorite candies, made them cards, and by lunch time Nxi was able to recognize that she was "too ramped up."  She kept running into things, tripping, saying "I'm too ramped up, mom."  I picked her up after school and noticed that her face was blue from the frosting of a cupcake.  She was in a terrific mood and showed me the goody bag Teacher Candi had made for her, then she asked to eat one of the candy canes from it.  I told her she could save it for after dinner because she'd already had a cupcake and the fuse on the powder keg was lit.  By the time we got to the car she was absolutely raging at me.  I'm so mean, I never let her have anything, do anything, I'm the worst mommy ever....once in the car the tears and kicking of the back of my seat.  As we drove away, the threats "I'm going to cook you and your going to hurt so bad from the fire because the fire is going to burn you up!!!!.....I'm not going to live with you anymore.  I'm going to run away and never see you again.  I'm going to cut you up with a knife!"  By the time we rounded the bend towards the park I knew she wasn't going to be able to recover and go to the park, she started screaming "I just want to go home!"  I gathered up Safi and Twilight and we headed home.  She got it together later and the girls went to Mike's for a couple hours.  Friday morning she started in almost immediately, again after being given a boundary that I don't even remember because it was so insignificant and something that on a stable enough day wouldn't phase her.  She raged all the way taking Safi to school, Safi saying "You guys are going to ruin my Christmas party."...her class Christmas party that she had been looking forward to all week.  Got Safi off in an ok state of mind and spent the rest of the day emotionally bouncing here and there and everywhere with Nixi.  She cried, laughed, raged, and was peaceful...in minutes...rinse, lather, repeat for the remainder of the day.  At lunch time she wanted salami.  Gave it to her and micro'ed my lunch.  When she picked up her plate she asked me what I had microwaved.  A benign question any other day, but today I knew it was anything but and asked..."Do you think mommy wants to hurt you?"...Nixi: "Yes, you're doing something to my food."  I showed her my food, which was hot, and her food which was not...sufficed enough for her to eat a little.  As often happens when those with psychosis are in the grips of their illness, she is not eating very much and waking quite early. She then told me I was the best mommy ever and raved about how much she loved me....I asked "Do the people like mommy today?....Nixi: "Nope, they want to hurt you all the time."  Then she told me that they wanted to take me to their castle to be their Queen and a series of other bizarre thoughts and beliefs.  All this without skipping a beat then back to her TV show.  No more teetering on the rabbit hole edge, she was at the bottom.  The stress fractures from the week's excitement had taken their toll and she was no longer able to ignore or pay little mind to the "people" in her head who are there every single day of her life.  Think about that.  She hears these horrible things every day of her life....even when she's "stable enough".  Wow.  Of course she feels tremendous remorse after a rage episode, when she's older these will be the times when she'll be at highest risk of killing herself....apart from when she's so psychotic that she believes the "people" when they tell her that she is an angel and angels can fly.  What a life for this wee little one.  I've increased her meds back to the 1.50mg, and while she woke the next morning with dope circles under her eyes, she's slowly doing better and that's all that matters.

So, with that, I wish you all a very happy Holiday week and can't wait to let you know how our Christmas pans out.....I'm thinking its going to be amazing.  We shall see.

Sarah