So, the girls' week....they both struggled.

Safi struggled at school with wanting to be called on all of the time...assuming this is due to only earning enough fuzzies for one coupon last week and trying to really work it for two this week.  She also had a massive battle with her friend, Sophia, that apparently was quite disruptive to class.  They were competing with each other and Safi can't hold her own with Sophia, she crumbles and cries or yells...so they weren't allowed to even look at each other for the rest of the day.  We talked about it and I reiterated to her that NOTHING at school is a competition, regardless of anyone else competing she is to ignore it and walk away or ask teacher to move her.  Its hard because Sophia and Safi are so close, the teacher saying it looked like "siblings", that Sophia knows what buttons to push on Safi and Safi just doesn't have the social or emotional coping to get through it without eventually crumbling and/or losing it.  And they are like siblings, they love each other...and simultaneously drive each other mad.  Her eyes were red that day from crying.  She's never been a competitive kid because we've never made things a competition, partially because kids learn competitiveness naturally so no need to introduce it and also because frankly Safi will lose most competitions.  That's why we're not doing sports, but rather dance.  She is motor dyspraxic.  Her motor planning is hugely lacking...she can walk, she's better than some, but she's not "age appropriate" and she is keenly aware of it and embarrassed and hurt by it.  Imagine your own body totally betraying you by not doing what you want it to do and what comes so easily for those around you.  Talk about frustrating and anxiety provoking.  Add to that competitiveness and its just a recipe for disaster.  So, we'll continue to work on it with the girls at the park and the teacher will work on it at school.

I have a new way of conceptualizing Nixi.  Like a functioning alcoholic, Nixi is a functioning schizophrenic.  Ill as hell but floating through the day as if she's fine and eventually getting so shitfaced by her psychosis that the ugly comes out.  She goes to school 4 days a week, the park 5 days a week, out to restaurants, movies, parties....all the while hiding this tremendous secret.  And I say hiding because she absolutely is intentionally hiding symptoms at this point.  My absolute worst fear.

So, came back from dad's more stable than last time but still sketchy.  By Monday she was totally gone.  She's been doing things like stopping up the sink due to command hallucinations and I know this to be true because she DOES NOT say anything told her to do it, she just cries and says "I don't know" and looks confused.  Monday she did again and became hysterical and I demanded she tell me what was going on in her brain.  Between sobs I got and ear full.....the people (because now they're people) in her head want to take her to their castle and that's a bad place, she likes the people in her head more than people in the real world and listens to them more.  I told her for the first time that she has schizophrenia and that I would not allow her brain to take her from me, from us, and she got even more upset saying "But I love my brain."  She was visibly hallucinating and it was just horrific.  Later that day totally disorganized and hallucinating; "My butt's going to start itching more"...Why?...."My brain".....How is your brain going to make your butt itch?....."My brain is in my head."......Yes, but how...."The puppies", as she walks away and her voice trails off into inaudible nonsense.  Minutes earlier she had pulled the arms off a doll and when I asked her why she said because she wanted to see what was inside.  I asked her what she thought might be inside....puppies.

Tuesday on her way to school she told how very excited she was to see her new friend, Gabriel R., "You'll meet him.  He's a new student in my class.  I'm going to ask him to play on the climbing thing with me at recess."  I ask her for more info...does he have the same teacher, do carpet time with you...yes.  Her class WAS getting a new boy that day and the teacher had talked about it the day before but Nixi told me that he was in her class already, etc.  So, after school I told her that I didn't see Gabriel and asked if she sees him or just hears him...hears him.  Is he nice?...."He wants to smash me."...how does he feel about the other kids?...."wants to smash them, too.".......does he like teacher Mel?...."yes".  All in a totally normal, calm, voice...just very matter of fact.  Great, she's naming these fucking voices.  Bad, many shades of bad.

Wednesday, a little manic, psychotic as hell in dance class.  During the routine practice just rubbing her body up and down the room length mirror and making faces to herself.  She engaged in the beginning of class but by the end she was gone.  Both girls enjoyed themselves, though, and there were a ton of new classmates so that was cool.

Thursday I pick her up from school and she goes from bubbly and happy to tearful telling me that she doesn't want to die and doesn't want Safi to die, she'd miss her mommy and daddy, etc.  Asked her where she got that from...Frank.  Fuck me.  Frank was the only voice with a name.  He's been around since the beginning of her full on active illness.  Lives in a rainbow castle, can be mean or nice, generally nice to her...has been a ally of sorts.  So, Frank told her that someone is going to kill her and her sister.  You'll hear it below as I audio taped the conversation...but I did something so stupid.  I asked her if Frank was being mean or nice and she said nice and I disagreed.  Dude, this guy is WARNING her, giving her a heads up...that's a hell of a lot more than I'M doing.  Of course she thinks he's nice.  Just so bad.

Friday morning she woke up literally from the moment her eyes opened psychotic and agitated.  Her knees are all bruised up from raging because I have a policy with her...calm gets cuddles, not crazy.  You scream and yell at me and spew venom...fine, get it out...scratch the itch....but I'm not cuddling you until you are calm because a)I'm not engaging in that unless it is a safety issue because I do NOT want symptoms of mental illness to become volitional behaviors, and b)she hurts me.  So, I shut the door to the bathroom that I was in and she proceeded to beat the hell out of it with her knees.  If she were an adult she likely would have broken the door.  Alas, she is 4 so she didn't.  Safi had to put headphones on and was crying...great start to her Friday.  Nonetheless, we got past it, we moved on, Safi got off to school, and Nixi ran errands with me.  And there was a lot to do as she was refusing to leave the house for anything other than school the whole week.  Once I get her out of the house for school I keep the momentum going so she can't back out of park, dance class, etc.  She had a lovely, psychotic day.

I got to go out Friday and the girls got to have dinner with dad and a slumber party with Heather.  They did wonderfully and have been good all weekend.  The usual, Safi sass and attitude after dad's and Nixi falling apart but nowhere near the le3vel of falling apart that happened two weeks ago.  So, progress.

I'm calling Nixi's psychiatrist on Monday to talk about getting an appointment.  We need to increase the Risperdal or give up and let go of that fantasy and move on to a different med.  I can win this battle against Nixi's brain and her illness only if she is fighting with me....I have lost my teammate.  I can't win against this illness by myself.  We need to get her on a medication that keeps her in the fight...or we're going to lose her.  Its as simple as that.

Sarah

The following videos were shot in the car on the ride home from Nixi's school...so, you wont see much and it can be difficult to hear but you'll get the idea.

Gabriel talk


Frank talk