This is going to be brief post.  Both girls have been sick, first stomach bug and now upper respiratory.  I've not managed to avoid getting mild forms and its been a long week.

Safi had an outstanding week this week.  She was class helper, is excited about two new students in class, and she racked up a ton of points for her class on Friday's Advanced Reader Pajama day.  She lost her second front tooth, though not without drama....Emily's husband Josh whipped a $20 bill out of his wallet and had her look up and yanked it out, sort of.  She started to wince and he lost his grip so it was dangling by a thread.  She cried, then went to over by herself and pulled it out...then asked for the money.  I told Josh no way because she didn't keep her end of the deal and let him pull it.  She was ok with that and the tooth fairy made a visit to dad's house.

Nixi had an interesting week.  She was "stable enough", which includes periods of mania where she loves everything, everything is fascinating and amazing, and she literally dances through her day...but the psychosis never leaves and the slightest thing can tip the scales and send her to the "less than stable enough" side.  That's our "normal", of note this week was that she was exceptionally confused and disorganized about time, place, sequences of events, etc.  She asked that dad have a calendar and a schedule at his house.  This week I'll be going on a brief trip and Heather, our Behaviorist, will go to Mike's house and try to help him essentially recreate what we have at home.

Both girls continue to struggle with the transition from dad's to home.  Mike has been taking them to buy a toy every weekend so that they'll have toys at his house.  The problem with this is twofold.  First, they want to bring the toy back to my house.  Second, its exactly why we started Christmakkuh in the first place, the girls love to get new things but they can't handle the overstimulation of it so it has to be doled out in small bits.  Well, this weekend Safi finally cracked and had a meltdown with dad and sister at Target because she had already gotten a doll at Big Lots but then wanted another toy when they went to Target to get Nixi something.  Too many choices.  Big Lots is overwhelming enough and Safi ALWAYS has buyers remorse.  So by the time they got to Target it was doomed mission.  But Nixi got her toy and I assume it wasn't too bad because I wasn't told otherwise.  When the girls got home Nixi was really clearly visually hallucinating.  she kept tilting her head and half closing her eyes when she spoke to me.  I asked her what she was seeing, "Bad guys, they want to eat me."  So, in preparation for my upcoming trip Monday-Wednesday, the change in routine because those are extra days with dad, and the week being different because of no school...I increased her Risperdal again.  It was the right thing to do, to try to increase it to help her maintain "stable enough", but its disturbing how easy its becoming for me to do it.  I used to be in absolute agony over increases.  I'd do them in small increments, terrified of side effects.  Last night I increased by a full tablet again.  That's okay, its what I'm supposed to do by prescription.  But, man, it wasn't a hard call and that's scary.  At the same time, I think its part of acceptance.  Acceptance that this is what it is, this is what our life will be, we'll deal with any negative repercussions when/if they occur, and she just needs to be okay.  So, she is currently taking 1.50mg of Risperdal and I imagine I'll keep her at that dose for the remainder of the holiday season unless we need to increase again.  I will say this, "stable enough" was the goal and for the most part we have that.  This increase was more prophylactic than anything else, as is common practice when a potentially exciting or anxiety provoking event is going to occur for someone with psychosis.  So, maybe this is me living what I said in a previous blog...accepting and just rolling with it.  I hope so.  Because I've not checked out or gone on auto pilot, I'm still here...thinking, researching, reading...but I'm also just trying to live.  Its the only thing that's fair to the girls who know no different.  I can have pain, guilt, grief, but that shit is my own...they don't own that and I hope that I can keep myself together enough that they never will.

So, this Thanksgiving season I am thankful for many things.  I am thankful for friends, family...both blood and chosen, teachers who care about my kids and me, doctors who are not only infinitely wise and gifted but also caring and empathic, our many critters who love us onconditionally and keep us grounded, this blog that helps me find my center each and every week, anitpsychotics and antocholinergics, SSRI's, and corned beef.  Yep, you read that right.  Nixi and I don't care for turkey and Safi is on a quesadilla kick so this year we're giving the turkey the bird!  We're going to eat what we like....corned beef, new potatoes, carrots, and cabbage!  Nixi was beside herself with joy, Safi said "I don't eat corned beef, either", and Emily is going to give me her turkey carcass for my turkey soup.  Life is good.  May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with the food of your choice and much peace, love, and laughter.

Sarah