Lazy Sunday morning RV'ing it in the backyard!

Birthdays have always been a really big deal in my family.  When my brother and I were kids my mom used to decorate our bedroom door with streamers and balloons so when you opened it in the morning you walked through them.  In junior high my friends would come really early in the morning and "kidnap" me for a pre- school birthday breakfast after dressing me in ridiculous attire.  In college we would do something silly for the birthday person and then go party after classes.

Since having my own family I have tried to carry on the "birthdays mean something" tradition.  If you read the blog regularly you know that we decorate the house for the birthday person after they've gone to bed.  The day of we get cupcakes, blow up balloons, get our gifts ready, and head out to the restaurant of the special person's choosing.  The girls are always soooo excited for birthdays.  Mike has never been big on celebrating his birthday since I met him.  Even before kids I would sneak out of the bedroom after he was asleep to hang a banner and balloons, and he did the same for me.  Since the girls have been old enough to understand what a birthday is their enthusiasm is contagious....Mike likes his birthday.  The girls go around all day telling people who's birthday it is.  Its just a really fun time.

Mike's first with an April 4th birthday.  Safi comes next on April 9th, Nixi on April 23rd.  My birthday is May 22, after Mother's Day and all of the previous month's excitement.  And this year, much the same as the last, was just a really terrible birthday.  Whether it be because of all of the excitement or changes leading up to my birthday or that its something about it being mom's birthday....by the time it comes its absolute chaos.

This year was no exception.  Despite Nixi's meds being decreased two days before, and those two days going pretty well, she was an all out mess.  She was crying, screaming...then mean and screaming...then back to crying and screaming, etc.  It was horrible.  It totally threw Safi off her game and made it difficult for her to enjoy the day and she was also angry at Nixi, repeatedly saying "no being mean on mama's birthday".  There were points during the day where we were all crying.  I had to text Mike and give him a head's up before he got home.  By evening I had no desire to go out to dinner because I was so tired from the up's and down's of the day so we took the girls to Del Taco and let them burn off steam in the play zone.

Every year that passes, my birthday means less and less to me.  In some ways that's sad, but in more ways its just the natural progression of things.  Days in my home can be absolutely magical or the deepest pit of hell.  You never know what you're going to get when you wake up.  You learn to take nothing for granted and to appreciate the calm when its there.  You revel in the good days, and secretly fear that this day may be the last good day for a while..for ever.  You live in the moment, because that's all you have.  You learn that a day is just a day and you're lucky if you get another one to try again.  So, while a joyous birthday celebration would be great...I have bigger fish to fry.

The rest of the week was pretty good.  Within hours of giving Nixi the lower dose of Risperidone in the morning on Monday it was apparent that it was definitely the meds causing her decompensation last week.  It was a tremendous relief to see her go back to where she was on just the .25mg in a matter of hours.  We'll stick with the slight increase for a month or so.  At that point we'll either try to increase once again or we'll just go back to the .25mg because we aren't seeing any gains at this point with the .125mg increase.  We want her on the least amount of meds possible so there's no point in giving her more if it isn't doing anything helpful.  Time will tell.  She needs to get it all built up in her system and the longer you take Risperidone, typically the better it works.

She didn't want to go to school again this week.  Saying, "I want to stay away from school."  I allowed her to stay home on Tues because of the horrible field trip fiasco the week before and taking into account her recent med change.  She said it again on Thursday.  I told her she had to go or no last day of school Pirate Party for her on the 30th.  She went.  When I picked her up the teacher told me that she had reported seeing monsters at circle time.  The teacher went on to tell me that they talked about it with all of the kids, how monsters aren't real and there aren't any monsters in the classroom, etc.  Awesome.  Thanks so much for not only negating Nixi's experience but also bringing all of her peers in to it thereby highlighting the fact that she, alone, sees these things and is different.  Don't expect her to tell you when she's hallucinating ever again, dumbass.  I get it, she was trying to do the right thing.  Trying to make Nixi and the others kids feel safe and secure in the classroom.  But dude, we've talked about this and about how to handle such things.  So, I reiterated that Mike and I would have said something to the effect of, "I don't see any monsters but that must be very scary for you.  Is there anything I can do to help you?", and gathered up my extremely anxious child and headed home.  I asked Nixi if that was the first time she has seen monsters at school..."No."  I asked her if they are quiet or loud?...."LOUD!!!  Its hard to hear teacher."  Does that make you want to go to school?...."No.  It makes me want to stay away."  And there you have it...the reason Nixi hasn't been wanting to go to school for the past week and a half.  I called her teacher and told her.  I'm hoping it got to through to her that just because Nixi doesn't appear to be hallucinating DOES NOT mean that she isn't, as her teacher has said a number of times before "She doesn't hallucinate here."  The sad part is that Nixi finally trusted her enough to tell her and, in Nixi's eyes, was totally shut down.  She used to tell the sub that was there at the beginning of the year when she was hallucinating...she trusted her.

Safi had a pretty great week.  With the end of the school year comes the end of homework!  More play time, more time outside, happy Safi.  She made her speech teacher an end of the year flower arrangement and was very proud of it.  I can tell she's a little bummed about the end of the year but she's really excited about summer school.  I think it'll really sink in a few weeks after school is out and she starts missing her friends 5 days a week.  Nonetheless, she's in great spirits and looking forward to a field trip to the local grocery store on Tuesday.  Her dad's going with her and they are both excited.  I'm very much looking forward to volunteering at the school on Safi's last day.  They've had parent volunteers in class all year but I haven't wanted to throw Safi off so I've stayed away.  At this point she's just as excited as I am and I really hope it doesn't mess up her last day.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.  Mike set up our new above ground pool and tomorrow we'll fill it and take the girls swimming!  They're really excited and really terrified all at the same time.  We figure we'll start off slow in our 33" deep pool before heading over to Emily's in ground, real deal pool.  Should make for a really interesting extra day off for us all.  Mike and I are really excited

Sarah